I’m almost at thirty days sober!! I still don’t know how I feel about going to meetings. I was doing completely okay until I went into the rooms, and then suddenly I just wanted to use all the time. When I’m not in the rooms, I’m fine and don’t feel that. I went out with some old friends last night that I hadn’t seen in a few months and it was super fun. I was hesitant to go out becaguse they’re important people here to say the least, so wherever we go they’re taken care of and alcohol is always flowing and there’s often other things floating around. But, everyone was really respectful when I said I wasn’t drinking. Whenever people asked if I wanted a shot and I declined, there was no pressure or anything to drink. Everyone was shocked that I wasn’t drinking because that’s obviously not like me at all, but it felt nice to not wake up embarrassed from doing some stupid shit for once.

I’m feeling really good about everything. I’m going to get my license this month and am super stoked for that. I think my commission cheque should be pretty decent this month, which is rad. I have so much shit I need to pay though. I need to get my passport asap though. I really want to go to Miami for my birthday, or like Vegas or something. I just know I don’t want to spend it here. I’ve also lost a bit of weight in the past couple weeks. I just feel so much healthier in general. I’m working on making friends, but it’s hard to make good girlfriends. I’m just feeling so optimistic about everything and know that in due time, all will be well.

For the time being, I think I’m just gonna do me and not go to meetings. We shall see though!

I did it. I went to a meeting yesterday. I had a realization that if this is going to be a longterm thing, I can’t do it by myself. I need supports in the real world that I can connect with and build relationships. I am really glad that I went. There were a few familiar faces which was nice. I didn’t want to go back, because I feel like every time I go back, it’s the same conversation. I still don’t know if the rooms are right for me, but this time I want to try my best. If I make it until midnight, today will be my 23rd day sober!!!!!!! I feel great! As the days go by, this gets harder and harder though.

I’m going to try and get my license next month. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t have a ton to say, but I just wanted to blog about how stoked I am and grateful for life today.

I am struggling.

I need to start going to meetings. Today were the big fights and it was really hard to sit at home and see everyone out with friends, drinking and watching the fights. I’m sitting here battling with myself. I just want to get drunk. I thought that as the days went on, it would get easier, but it’s only getting harder. I’m going to try going to NA. I need the comaraderie of people that know what I’m going through. I just hate going back into those rooms after leaving them so many times. I know it’s supposed to be a judgement free zone, but we’re addicts, it’s in our blood to judge. I just need to stop making excuses. I went to AA, and it was nice, but no one to connect with.

I went to a party yesterday, and one of my coworker’s is 20 and getting a divorce, so she’s kind of re-living what she never got to. Everyone just kept talking about how wasted she was, and yeah, don’t get my wrong, she was pretty drunk. But it’s fucked up because had that been me, I would have literally been a million times worse. Everyone was talking about her today and someone said ” I hope she doesn’t die.”   …wow. I am just so thankful that none of these people have seen me the way I was before. I mean, they’ve seen the aftermath, but thank god never the actual drinking. This job means a lot to me, this industry is something I’ve wanted to work in for years and this is something I can make a career out of. I can’t fuck this up.

I’ve been working really hard at telling myself “Just For Today”. And it kind of helps. I keep like planning out the next 10 days, month, 6 months, year, and I get ahead of myself. But as soon as I start thinking thoughts like that, I acknowledge them and remind myself to stick to today. That way no day is wasted, and every day, hour, minute is a victory.

I’m sorry my blogs are so scatterbrained if anyone reads this. My mind just runs a million miles a second.

Although today marks my seventeenth day sober, my issues with eating are definitely out of control. I’ve basically spent two days binging, puked a couple times too. Always followed by the same guilt and shame that came after drinking. I think I’m going to start going to the gym this week. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go and join. I need some source of healthy adrenaline. Also, as the days go by, and the weather warms up,  I want to use more and more. Today, I could taste the cocaine drips at the back of my throat. To be honest, I don’t even like the high I get from cocaine. I just like the feeling of it going up my nose, and the taste at the back of my throat. I don’t know why I do it. Anyways, i’m going to bed, but I needed to get this little bit out.

Books are the one thing that have always been there for me. I remember being young and reading for hours and hours. I would get in trouble for reading late at night, sneaking books under my cover. For me, there is no greater safety. I collect old books, mostly history books from around 1920 and then the late 1940’s. I think it’s so cool to read something written so recently after such tragic events. Old novels are neat too though. It’s such an emotional experience to read something that someone probably read 50, or even 100 years ago. Just holding a book, or smelling the dust literally makes me cry sometimes. It sounds completely insane, and I don’t know why I feel such an attachment, but I feel like with each book I collect, I am collecting pieces of souls.

I remember being in third grade, and everyone was reading Junie B. Jones books and things of that nature, and all I wanted to read about was The Holocaust and The Armenian Genocide. Why does the mind crave such morbidity?

I just felt compelled to write this blog, because as I was holding one of my latest additions, I realized that they are literally my most prized possession. Everything in my life might be a mess, but the one thing that’s always consistent, are the pages filled with chaos.

14 days.

Two weeks sober!! Yay! It feels good! I went out with a friend again tonight. I suggested we go for hookah because it’s something sober and always a fun way to catch up. We sat down and literally as soon as we sat down, we were presented with shots from some random table. I thought about doing one. My friend, I’ll call her C, was really surprised that I didn’t do one. She kept saying, come on, it’s just one, and that as soon as we went dancing I would burn it off. Although I did consider it, and the shot sat there for a good two hours, I wasn’t bothered by it which was nice. Then, her friends came and they were all drinking. I felt kind of out of place. Being social is definitely a lot harder without a clutch, but I’m learning. I feel like the only social experiences I’ve had since I was 16 all involved getting fucked up, aside from church functions. Even when I’d go out with friends that weren’t drinking I’d always get wasted. I don’t know how to have fun without it.

A little recap.

Wow, so tonight I went out to a club and didn’t have a single drink. I am almost at 2 weeks sober!!!!! I’m trying to just take it day by day. My mind is awful and likes to skip ahead and imagine how I’m going to feel a month in, or six months in, instead of just living in the present. But I’m honestly just trying to take it one day at a time.

It was my co-workers birthday tonight and I wasn’t sure if I was going to go, because I wasn’t sure if I’d stay sober. I was talking to a few people at work, and they were asking why I wasn’t going out, and I said that I didn’t want to drink and that if I went out I would most definitely want to drink. One of my co-workers responded with “Those are the words of a true alcoholic.” I kind of laughed it off, but obviously it hit close to home. I was complaining all day about going out, but I honestly am just afraid. This is fucking real, and it’s a battle. At the bar, I wanted to drink so bad. There was a point in the night, where I was feeling a little less social and everyone was having a great time and I considered getting a glass of wine, or sneaking a couple shots. I struggled with it for a good 45 minutes, but for some reason, this time I resisted. Even in the cab home, I thought about stopping for a mickey of Captain Morgan’s. This disease fucking sucks. I wish I could be normal. Why do we drink? I hate drinking.

That’s a lie, I love it. I just wish I could do it socially. And yeah, maybe I would have drank this time and kept it limited to a few. Maybe this time would have been normal. But the occasional normal time is not worth the bad. I think that everyone knows. I don’t know. This time I’m trying to be accountable and tell as many people in my life that I’m getting sober as possible. If people don’t want to be supportive, then I don’t have time for them. This shit is real and it will fucking kill me. I don’t know how I’m not dead already. I’ve gone with random strangers, partied with people I didn’t know, and blacked out so many times that I don’t know how I got from A to B. If the booze doesn’t kill me, the lifestyle and stupid choices that come along with it will.  This is a daily struggle.

I think I need to start going to AA or something. I just want to get sober. Even tonight, it was so crazy because I saw soo many people that I used to work with, and all of them were like HEY! WHERE’S YOUR DRINK? And when I told them that I wasn’t drinking, everyone seemed quite shocked. But when I said that, it’s like they didn’t care and I was no longer important. That’s the only commonality I have with so many people in my life. It’s time to start re-evaluating my friendships and interactions with people.

I’m heading to bed. I don’t have anyone to tell me, so I will tell myself right now. I am proud of you. You can do this. Keep going Katelyn. This is just the beginning.

Tomorrow will be double digits.

So, today is day nine, which is one day further than the last time. I invited a friend to go to a restaurant here for tacos, but then she messaged me back saying she was going to dinner with her family and asked if I wanted to go out after. I really wanted to go out, but right now I feel happy with where I am, so I didn’t end up going. Dinner is fine, but I know that with someone like that, I would end up drinking. Instead I opted to go for a 3 hour walk to the river valley.

I am soooooooo beyond excited that summer is here. Last year, I lived fairly close to the river valley, so I would go running or walking almost everyday. I feel such a deep connection to nature, and for me, that is my safety. There is no better feeling than being surrounded by something so beautifully raw. I feel rejuvenated. It’s nice becuase before where I lived, all the trails were super busy, but aside from the occasional couple walking about, these were dead. I feel sane. I absolutely love nature.

Soo, I fucked the tinder guy. It’s weird, because I had no intention of fucking him, but for once I don’t feel any guilt. I have literally slept with more guys than I can count, but they’ve all come with this insane feeling of guilt. I think because I get so drunk and fucked up that it’s not something I would do otherwise. This, we were sober and it was great. We went for food and then went back to his place to “watch movies”. It’s strange because it’s not something I wanted, but i’m so glad I did.

Aside from that, everything has been good. It’s a friend’s birthday tomorrow, and everyone’s going for dinner and drinks. I’ve decided to opt out. It’s a friend who is pretty heavily addicted herself and I think it’s best to remove myself from that situation. I want to, but it’s just not safe. Especially because that group of people knows me as the crazy girl, the last man standing, whether that be coherent or not.

Today is another day five and it feels pretty good. Once again though, it’s 2:30 and I’m wide awake. I guess I should share another reason why I want to get sober. Lately, I feel like literally everyone around me is sick and dying. My stepdad had cancer and had to go for surgery, my grandma has cancer and is going through chemo, my friend is also going through chemo and surgery to get rid of cancer, my friend’s brother just died, and literally every time I go on facebook, I hear about another death. I could so easily be gone tomorrow, and I don’t want to spend the last of each day in a blur. I want to cherish and remember my days. I want to spend my time with people that matter, and create memories to remember, not ones to forget. It’s so crazy how one day someone is here, and just like that they’re gone… Life is too short.

I again have successfully completed day three again. I just wish I was able to sleep earlier, these late nights are killing me. I’m going for food with a tinder match tomorrow. Should be interesting. We were chatting and the topic of alcohol came up, and I said right off the bat that I didn’t drink anymore. It felt good and freeing. Although it’s obviously recent and I haven’t gotten very far with it, it felt good to have that kind of accountability from the start.

I wish there were recovery groups aside from 12 step meetings. I understand that it’s the most common way to get sober, but it’s not for me. I find them somewhat depressing and everyone is so old at all of those meetings. I guess it’s nice to see that recovery is possible and to see people with so much clean time, but I want to build a network with people my own age. People that are sober, but that I share interests with and can be friends with outside of meetings. I don’t feel like my drinking has been the result of some tragic experience and that I will forever be haunted by. I like to get fucked up, plain and simple. Well, that’s a lie, I don’t like it. I’m powerless over it, but I’m hooked on the chaos. I guess it’s nice to have people that “get” you, but idk, meetings just turn me off. I hate the politics that come along with them, they’re worse than high school.

I’m headed to bed, but have a listen to the song in my last post. It’s amazing.